


Control

by Faith2nyc



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt Natasha Romanov, Natasha Needs a Hug, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Steve Rogers, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Steve Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-09-16 14:38:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9276368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faith2nyc/pseuds/Faith2nyc
Summary: Natasha Romanov has always had control over her life. However, there are two things she has a hard time controlling...pain and love. Her fight to have control over both has consequences. Will the broken promises and choices Natasha and Steve make tear them apart, or bring them together?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Everyone,  
> Well, this is a dark start to a 3 chapter story. Please read at your own risk. There's rape, and cutting in the first chapter alone. But I promise it's for a reason. I don't know what to say besides I was in a dark place when I wrote this. However, there will be 2 more chapters to follow, and just like real life, things will get better. 
> 
> Special thanks to my beta for her help with this story, thegraytigress! Maggie, you're a badass, and thank you for everything. Thanks for being my Romanongers partner in crime! Also, a shout out to my friend sleepygrimm on Tumblr. You're always there with a kind word for me, and I want you to know I appreciate it. Hang in there, sweetie! 
> 
> To all my Romanogers buddies on Tumblr...you're all so kind and helpful. Thank you for the love!
> 
> I would like to dedicate this to my best friend, Sarah. A lot of the fight that comes out of Natasha in every fic I write has a lot to do with the way I watch you live your life. I know everything you're working for in life will work out. You're way too stubborn for it not too!
> 
> ***FYI: it's been brought to my attention by a reader from Tumblr that it seems Steve is just "letting Nat get away with hurting herself." Just to clear this up, I had no intention of letting Natasha’s actions go without being addressed by both of them. There are 3 chapters in this story and this will be addressed later.***

The last thing she remembered was screaming at him to 'get the fuck off me' as he viciously thrusted into her against her will, sank his teeth deep into her skin, and closed his hand over her mouth to keep her quiet. What was happening never stopped. The man never stopped. She was powerless. Her limbs refused to move, as hard as she tried. She was disoriented, the room spinning around in multiple directions. Her body was slow, so slow it couldn't even attempt a reaction. Her head was pounding, but she felt everything, and she...she just let him. As painful as it was, she couldn't do anything in the moment, she knew she should scream and fight, but her body doing neither. Weakly feeling for the knife tucked behind her bra strap, she grasped the cold metal. In one fast motion, she slit the man's throat, hot blood splattering the left side of her face, before she used all her strength and threw him off her. Now it was over.

She was walking slowly down the deserted block towards her apartment, her arms cradling herself closely. She could still hardly move, the drug still coursing through her system, and with every stride, she felt another sting of pain. Her dress was ripped up the side, one strap snapped and dangling while the other hung down her shoulder. She limped into her apartment, locking the door behind her and heading straight for her bathroom. Shutting the door closed, she placed her hands against the counter top to observe herself in the mirror. She had blueish purple bruises on her face, and bite marks on her neck, collarbone, and shoulders, one of the bites having gone so deep it broke through her skin. She had a gash across her left cheek, and her hair was a disastrous mess. Her mascara smeared under her eyes and down her cheeks from her tears. She could hardly hold herself up anymore when she dropped to the ground, her back sliding down the cabinet. She landed on the tile floor. She had small bruises covering her legs, and another gash on her thigh. She couldn't take the pain, and she was scared. How the fuck did this happen? 

Steve. She went out that night in an attempt to run from her feelings for him. Things had been changing between them, and earlier that evening he kissed her, after telling her he loved her. She kissed him back at first, loving the feel of his lips against hers. She wanted to tell him she loved him too. That she has been in love with him for months, but she also couldn’t stop that voice in her head screaming at her that he was too good for her. After the kiss ended, she whispered she was ‘sorry’ and that she couldn’t do this. She walked away, leaving him there stunned. She went out to the club by her apartment that night in a shitty attempt to forget him. With Steve on her mind, she was distracted and stupid. So stupid in fact that she had no idea the man slipped something into her drink until it was too late. 

She did a good job making herself look different, using her skills to look and act different than the deadly Avenger she really was. That was what saved her in the end. She needed Steve so much it hurt. In too much pain, she reached for her phone and sent one word to him in a text message. ‘Help’

Natasha sat there for a moment, realizing how much she had fucked everything up. Everything hurt and none of it was in her control. Not being able to stand the pain, and hearing Steve’s own words of warning in her head, was too much. She needed to feel control. Knowing she promised him she would never go down that road again, she still reached up and rummaged through the drawer until she found scissors, pulling them out. She took the blade, first running the sharp edge along her forearm, blood dripping slightly from the cut area, but it wasn't enough. She needed more. A slight gasp escaped her lips as she felt the blade run along her skin a little deeper this time. It cut deep enough to ooze blood. There, much better…but also not really. At least she had control over why she was bleeding this time. She dropped the scissors to the ground, blood splattering on the floor and her thigh, head slamming back against the cabinet. She sat there, letting the blood run down her leg to the floor, eyes slowly shutting herself out from this shitty world, tears building and, streaming down her cheeks. This was her relief. This was her therapy. Her fucked up happiness.

She slowly awoke, hearing loud thuds against the door to her apartment. “Natasha? Nat! Where are you!?” Steve yelled franticly.

She wasn't completely up, still felt like she was someplace else, someplace better, but she was awake enough to notice that she was face down, groggy, sprawled out on the bathroom floor.

"Nat, open the door! Natasha, open the door! Are you in there?!" There was a loud bang, and she heard the door burst open. "Oh g- Nat, what the…? Nat..." She heard a voice, felt a hand on her. Still in a fog and terrified she flinched when he touched her shoulder. She jolted backwards, throwing herself halfway across the bathroom floor. She looked back up to see it was him, and she quickly pulled her knees to her chest. She could see the fear and hurt in his eyes as he observed her bloody and broken before him. Moving slowly, afraid to startle her, he slid closer to where she huddled.

"Nat...Nat it's-" he choked on his words because he didn't want to believe what was in front of him. Horrified inside, he placed a gentle hand on her knee. She flinched and then exhaled nervously before relaxing against his touch, because this was Steve. This was the man who wouldn't dare hurt her. She let her eyes begin to water a little, muscles starting to shake from his touch, from her fears, from the horror of the last few hours.

"Nat, what happened?" he asked softly.

"It’s…it’s nothing." She mumbled weakly, looking around her to see the floor painted red with her blood, glancing at her wounds before quickly looking away.

"Natasha, this...this isn't nothing. What the hell happened tonight?" he replied a little more urgently, his fingers going to the bite mark on her neck. 

"I was drugged," she said slowly. "He drugged me...and...and I was, fucking helpless." She couldn't keep it inside anymore, "I couldn't do shit, and I was so damn weak...I was so stupid. I let my guard down, and he drugged me. I tried to fight, but I couldn’t make my body move. He…he…Oh God, Steve." She didn't finish before his arms were around her, and she was crying into his chest.  
"Oh, Nat, …” he breathed, hating himself for letting her walk away earlier.

"Who did this to you? Do you know who…"

She cut him off. "Dead." 

He pulled away to look at her before getting to his feet, gently taking her with him. The sounds she made from the pain cut into his heart. He lifted her slowly onto the counter, taking his hands away for the first aid kit, looking over her body at the cuts and bite marks, wincing.

"Nat, a couple of band aids isn't going to help you, I've got to take you to the hosp-"

"No!"

"Nat, you can't-"

"I don't want them touching me!" she screamed in a plea, tears staining her cheeks. He could see the fear in her eyes. "Just, just do what you can, please."

He sighed before he grabbed peroxide, pouring it slowly onto a towel and pressing it as gently as he could to the mark on her neck. "Nat, this…God, this needs stitches." He winced again.

"Then you do it," she simply replied.

He reached into the first aid kit. Carefully, he filled a syringe with Lidocaine and swabbed around the bite mark on her neck. She looked away as he also injected the area with the numbing medication and gently sutured the skin around the wound. Steve glanced at her before moving on to the wound on her thigh. The cut on her cheek wasn't as bad as the blood made it out to be. He added more peroxide to the towel, pressing on the other bite marks, wanting to disinfect them before he moved to the cuts on her arms.

"Nat...is this what I think it is… did you do this?" he asked, and she nodded in shame, dropping her eyes back down. He gently placed his finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him. “You promised…” he whispered.

“I know, I’m sorry. I…” she said, barely able to meet his eyes.

“Why…” he asked, already knowing the answer.

She pulled her chin out of his grasp and looked away.

“I’m sorry Nat. I’m so sorry… I should’ve…” he whispered to her.

“Stop. Please, just…stop. I screwed up, Steve. Not you.” She sighed, wincing in pain again realizing how uncomfortable she was getting every second.

Catching her chin back in his hand, he held her gaze. “I love you, Natasha. No matter how much you fight me on it, I love you and that will never change. So, please stop pushing me away,” he said.

“Okay,” she whispered, hating herself for not saying more.

He took care of the cut on her forearm, bandaging it gently. He checked for any other injuries before pushing the kit to the side and hugging her, vowing to never let go again. She needed his warmth, needed to know she was still breathing, still alive. She kissed his neck, letting more tears slip from her eyes. He moved one hand to her legs, the other supporting her back, picking her up and walking to her bed. He set her down softly, but she didn't want to let go of him. He pulled her arms away, going over to the drawer to pull out a fresh pair of shorts and t-shirt for her. He walked back over to her, and handed her the clothes. 

As he got up to leave again she caught his wrist, stopping him. “Steve, wait! Please don’t leave me! Stay with me!” she whispers to him, meeting his eyes. 

“I’m not leaving, Nat, but you’re in pain. Do you have anything I can get you?”

“Umm. There’s some pain medication left in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I have it left over. They prescribed it for my ankle injury from our last mission. It works, but it knocks me out for a couple hours. I don’t really like to take it. So maybe just grab the Advil -“

He cut her off. “I’ll be here, Nat. Let me get it. Okay?”

Natasha just nodded her head, her eyes looking down at the clothes he placed in her hands. “Thanks,” she whispered.

Thankful that he had something to do, Steve headed to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. He then went back down the hall towards the bathroom and stopped at Natasha’s medicine cabinet. He found the bottle of pain medicine and took out two pills. Just as he was about to walk back to Natasha, his eyes focused on all the blood all over the bathroom floor. He was angry all over again. He was angry this happened to her, angry he wasn’t able to protect her. He just helpless. He took a breath and walked back to her, handing her the pills, then the water, after he removed the cap. She took the pills while Steve grabbed her bloody clothes from the floor and tossed them towards her closet, where they couldn’t be seen by either of them. 

Natasha moved to settle herself on her bed. “Will you hold me, please?”

He settled down behind her, spooning her after she seemed more comfortable. It was a bit awkward, but she grabbed his hand after it settles over her waist. He rested his head on his other hand and elbow and looked down at the woman he loved with all his heart. His eyes scanned over he cuts and bruises. He felt the anger rise up again and he took another deep breath.

Natasha head this and glanced back at him. “Please stop blaming yourself. This is my fault. You did nothing wrong, Steve.” 

“I’m sorry. I just hate seeing you like this. I shouldn’t have let you walk away from me. I know it was a mistake, but I let you go.”

“No. I walked away from you. I was the coward. I…”

He could tell she was getting upset again. “Nat, enough. We can talk about this tomorrow. Rest now, love.” He whispered this, trying to smile, but she saw right through it.

“Steve?”

“Shh… Rest Nat.”

She just sighed and shut her eyes, not really wanting to sleep but the pills, plus just the events of the last couple of hours wins, and she fell asleep in his arms.  
Now that she was finally asleep, Steve studied her, looked at every mark on her beautiful skin, hating what he was seeing. He looked at her hand, and it took a second for him to figure out what he was looking at.  
The Vault was stamped on her hand in big block letters. It reminded him of the stamp he got when he went to that club in the city last year with Sam. And then it hit him…that was where she went tonight. He knew there was a club called The Vault near her apartment. That was where she went to forget him, run from him, and someone there hurt her. All the questions he never asked her about how she got away, or what she did with the body, came rushing back to him. He looks back down at her sleeping next to him. He remembered what she said about the pills knocking her out for hours, and then he couldn’t stop himself. He had a mission now, something to do with all the anger he felt towards whoever hurt her. 

Getting up slowly he whispered, “Be right back, Nat. I love you.” 

Slowly he grabbed his things and headed for the door, locking it behind him. He knew what he had to do.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha wakes up and realizes she's alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out way different than I thought it would, but I'm happy it went this way. Chapter 3 is definitely going to be the fluffy chapter. Oh, and smut, there will be smut as well. When they're ready for it. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: There's talk of Self-harming in this chapter. Not very descriptive but it's there.
> 
> Thank you thegraytigress for your guidance and support! Love ya!
> 
> I hope you guys like it, I tried really hard to get in Nat's head for this, and my own head as well.

 

“Excuse me?”  
Natasha turned slowly from her place at the bar. “Yes?”  
“My boss would like to know if you would join him for a night cap before the club closes?”  
“Your boss?”  
“Yes, Mr. Burks. He would love for you to join him upstairs.”  
“I’d love to.”  
“Perfect. Follow me.”

Natasha wakes up suddenly. “Shit.” It takes her a minute to figure out where she is. Home. Okay, she’s home. The memories of the night before come rushing back. She remembers following the man upstairs to join his boss in his private room. She knew he was the owner of the club, but at this point she was just desperately trying to distract herself from what she was feeling inside. She remembers taking a seat on the couch next to him, and accepting the drink he handed her. Her heart was beating so fast, and she was distracted. She can’t stop thinking about Steve. She loves him. She’s known for a while that she loves him. But she also knows he’s way too good for her. She will only bring him down, down to her level of shame and secrets. Just hours before he told her he was in love with her. That he has for been for a while now. He said he wants to be with her. That’s when she realized that if he ever knew the real her, maybe he won’t want her anymore. So she ran, she ran and found herself here in this shitty club, having a drink with a man who in no way compares to Steve. Once she realized that she tries to thank the man for the drink and leave. She wants nothing more to do with him. Steve is the man she loves, not this man. This was wrong, so wrong. Then she starts to feel it. Her training kicks in, but it’s too late. Someone slipped her something, and she missed it. She tries to leave before it gets any worse, tries to get somewhere safe to wait until the effects of the drug wore off. The man won’t let her leave. He keeps trying to kiss and touch her. The real Natasha would have beat the shit out of him already, but she’s busy trying to stay conscious. The effects are getting worse, the room is starting to spin. She tries to fight but it’s useless. ‘No!’ Stop! Don’t fucking touch me!’ she remembers saying. He doesn’t stop, and she can’t fight. The lethal Black Widow is helpless and stuck in someone else’s web. She knows fighting him is useless, so she waits for an opening, and kills him. 

Everything hurts. Sitting up, she realizes Steve isn’t there. Steve isn’t there beside her like he promised he would be.

“Steve?”

Nothing. Fear shoots through her. She gets up slowly and calls for him again, louder this time. 

_Maybe he’s in the kitchen or the bathroom?_

“Steve? Are you here?!”

_He’s not here. Did he really leave?_

  
She grabs her phone off the nightstand and tries to call him. Voicemail. She checks for a text message, something that will explain him not being here. Nothing. She starts to panic now realizing she’s alone. And then the bad thoughts come.

  
_Well of course he left. You’re not good enough for him!_

  
“No. Stop,” she whispers to herself.

  
_You really think you deserve to be loved by him? You’re not worth it._

  
She crumples to the floor next to her bed, hands on her head, trying to stop the onslaught of doubt that always finds its way in when she feels like this. Week and vulnerable. Unlovable.

  
_If he really loved you, why did he leave? He waited for you to fall asleep and he left you!_

  
“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” she whimpers to herself.

  
_He broke his promise, because you’re not worth it! You never were!_

  
“He said he loves me, he does. I know he does, please stop!” she begs herself.

  
_You know how to make it stop!_

  
“No! I promised. I can’t break that promise…”

  
_Why not? He did!_

  
“Fuck it!” She shoots up and moves towards the bathroom. Everything hurts, and none of it is in her control. The pain and the thoughts she can’t control overwhelm her. They hold her down. They control her. She needs to take that control back. She walks into the bathroom and looks around for what she needs. She reaches into the shower to grab her razor. It’s not there. That’s weird. She turns for the scissors she used before, but she can’t find them. She looks in the drawer for her pack of extra razors, and finds nothing. What the hell? Steve. He must have taken everything she could use out of the bathroom in case she tried to cut herself. Well, that’s not going to stop her. She grabs her hairdryer off the counter and smashes it against the bathroom mirror, breaking it. She finds a shard of glass from the mirror on the bathroom floor knowing it would do the job. Her skin is tingling like it knows relief is coming. Relief she needs desperately. She sits in front of shower and pulls her shorts up to make room for the cut. Shaking now, she puts the edge of the blade on her thigh, knowing it’s a small price to pay for relief.

  
“No, Nat! Stop!” Steve yells from the door way of the bathroom.

  
_Fuck! Always the hero!_

  
He rushes towards her, grabs her wrist in one hand. Using his other, he takes the shard of mirror carefully from her hand and throws it out of her reach.

  
“Dammit, Natasha!” he says. He’s looking at her like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. She knows that look. It’s a cross between shock, disappointment, and fear.

  
“Leave me alone, Steve!” She’s not even looking at him when she says it. She can’t. She can’t look at him because she doesn’t mean it.

  
“What the hell are you doing, Nat? Fuck!” he yells. “Are you trying to kill yourself?”

  
“Oh, come on Steve! Don’t you think if I wanted that I’d find a better way? That’s not what this is about and you know that,” she’s says still not looking at him.

  
“Then what? Tell me what it’s about because I can’t watch you do this to yourself, Nat. I won’t!”

  
She doesn’t answer, and he really didn’t expect her to. He takes a breath to steady himself. “Please talk to me, Nat. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me,” he pleads.

  
_Deflect. Deflect. Deflect._

  
She looks him in the eye and asks, “Where were you? You promised you wouldn’t leave. I woke up and you were gone,” she asks, trying to change the subject.

  
“I know…I had to take care of something.”

  
“Where were you? The truth, Rogers!”

  
“I went to the club you were at earlier,” he answers.

  
She’s pissed. “You what? How the fuck did you know where I was?”

  
She follows his gaze down to the club stamp that’s still on the back of her hand. It’s faded, but there. She gets up and starts to walk out of the bathroom. He tries to grab her hand to stop her, but she pulls away and keeps walking.

  
He follows her, his heart pounding. “Natasha, what the hell did you expect me to do? I get a text message from you in the middle of the night that just said help. I rush over to find you bloody on the bathroom floor. You tell me you were drugged, raped, and that you killed him. That’s it. No other information. What the hell did you expect me to do? Nothing?”

  
“I expected you to keep your promise and stay with me. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to even ask you to do that? Do you? You broke that promise, damn you!”

  
“What about the promise you broke, Nat?” he asks.

  
_Shit!_

  
“What promise, Steve?”

  
“Oh, come on, Nat. You know what promise. You promised me you would never hurt yourself again. You promised me it was under control. That I could trust you. That you didn’t need any help. That instead of cutting yourself you would come to me instead. You broke that promise, Natasha. I just walked in on you doing it again, dammit!”

  
She still doesn’t have an answer for that. She’s not ready, so she presses him about the club again. “Why did you go to the club, Steve? Why?”

  
“I don’t know, okay? I was so pissed about what happened that I had to do something. When I figured out where you were I couldn’t just do nothing. I went to the club, broke in the side door, and when I went upstairs to the back room, I found his body. His dead body. I didn’t want any of this to be traced back to you so I called Clint and told him what happened.”

  
“You what? You called Clint? What the fuck, Steve? I don’t need you to clean up my messes for me! Stop trying to always be the fucking hero!” she shoots back at him.

  
“Oh, really? Then what was your plan? Tell me what were you going to do about the dead body you left behind, Nat?”

  
“That’s not the point, Steve.”

  
“Yes, it is the point, Nat. It’s exactly the point. You’ve been through hell tonight. You needed help with this. Look, I’m sorry I left when I said I wouldn’t. I didn’t mean to break my promise, but I had to help you. You couldn’t fix this one on your own. Why is it so hard for you to admit that you need help?”

  
“I don’t know, Steve! Okay? I shouldn’t need help. I let myself get drugged and raped by some asshole club owner because I was too busy trying to convince myself that I didn’t love you. That I didn’t need you. Jesus, all I could think about was you. That’s what I do. I always fight back. It’s so fucking terrifying being that helpless.”

  
“You love me?” He’s shocked.

  
She looks at him like she could both hug him and strangle him. “That’s what you got from that?”

  
He smiles with that crooked grin that stops her heart every time. “Well, yeah. But I heard everything else too,” he said. He’s moving slowing towards her now, one step at a time.

  
Her temper is calming now and she’s so damn sore. The pain medicine is wearing off, and she feels awful. Her body hurts, and she’s still so tired. She knows he’s right. She can’t fix this on her own. She probably would’ve ended up calling Clint if Steve had never come into her life. She trusts Clint. She knows he would know what to do. He’s going to be so pissed.

  
“Here,” he says, handing her two more pills and some water.

  
“Thanks,” she says and takes the pills from him.

  
He sits down slowly next to her on the edge of the bed. She swallows the pills and hands him back the water bottle. They sit there for a minute, both listening to the quiet around them.

  
_Tell him. You can trust him. Just talk to him._

  
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I’m sorry you had to get involved in this. I’m sorry I was so angry before. I just…I don’t know what to do when I feel like this. I’m supposed to be stronger than this.”

  
“When you feel like what, Nat? Tell me. Please, talk to me. Let me help you.”

  
“I don’t know myself to be honest,” she says.

  
“Just start at the beginning. When was the first time?”

  
_Be honest. He loves you._

  
“The first time was in the Red Room. Whenever I messed up bad during training, I got punished. Everything about my life was controlled. It was all mind games. I started to hear the insults from my instructor in my head when he wasn’t even there. It was always worse at night. I felt like I was going crazy. I picking up a jagged rock that was next to me on the floor. I used it to make a cut on my thigh, like a way to punish myself. At least I think that’s what I was doing. Making that cut was a way to have control over what was happening in my head. It gave me something to focus on. The next time it happened, I cut myself again. It worked, so it just became a way to stop the things I was hearing. When I started working for SHIELD, things changed. The thought never crossed my mind again. I didn’t need to do it anymore.”

  
“So, what happened? How did it start again?” He asks.

  
“Clint and I had just got back from a mission. It was the first time I really screwed up working with him. I made a mistake and he got hurt. He was in the hospital for three days and I felt terrible about it. Every night he was in the hospital, those thoughts came back. I was desperate, so I used my razor to make cuts across my thigh. I just wanted the thoughts to go away, the pain to stop. It worked, and I stopped doing it.”

  
“Until?”

  
She takes a breath. “When you caught me a few months back, that was the first time since Clint’s accident. I fucked up our mission, and I knew you were upset with me. It’s like my brain wouldn’t shut up, so I did the only thing I knew how to make it stop. Only you walked in on me…I saw how disappointed you were. I never wanted to see that look on your face again. So, when I told you I could stop… I really believed it. I wanted to stop, so I thought I could. I kept my word, at least until tonight.”

  
He takes her chin, making him look her in the eye. “Thank you for telling me.”

  
He moves to hold her, and she lets him. She’s always needed to feel something real, something she can hold on to. She knows she’s found it. 

  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have walked away from you before,” she whispers still holding on to him.

  
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here. I won’t let you walk away again. Even if I get my ass kicked trying to follow you,” he laughs.

  
She moves to get comfortable on the bed. She can feel herself fighting to keep her eyes open. She lays down and she can’t believe how much better she feels just by telling him everything. She feels like this dark secret of which she’s always so ashamed doesn’t have a hold on her anymore. But she also knows that it doesn’t mean it will stay away for good. Steve’s already behind her, his arm around her stomach, pulling her as close as she can get. Keeping her safe.

  
“Steve?” She whispers

  
“Hmm, what?”

  
“I think I should talk to someone else about this. Maybe someone at SHIELD? I thought I had it under control but I don't.” It sounds strange coming from her own mouth, but she knows it’s true. She needs to figure this out, find a better way to deal with it.

  
He smiles and turns her head to meet his eyes. “I think so too. I’ll be there every step if you want me to be. Whatever you need, okay?”

  
She takes a breath and says, “Okay.”

  
She looking at him like she wants to say more, so she does. “I love you.”

  
He smiles like it’s the best thing he’s ever heard. “I love you too. Sleep now, love. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

  
She closes her eyes and says, “I know.”

 

To be continued…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up...Chapter 3. Just pure fluff and smut! 
> 
> Please let me know what you think :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long for me to finish. Life has been crazy. This is the end. Thank you for all the wonderful comments and kudos! 
> 
> Thank you Maggie for beta reading this mess and helping me figure this ending out. Love ya bunches!
> 
> Note: In this story Steve is a virgin, normally I would spend more time focusing on that. However, this is Natasha's story! I focused more on her emotions in this last chapter. 
> 
> Just FYI: Smut ahead....but it's part of the story arc.

The next two months were hard. Extremely hard, but with Steve by her side and therapy twice a week Natasha was able to get through it. Clint knew of course. She told him everything the next morning, and just like a true best friend he was there for her without judgment. Yes things were hard, but it was her love for Steve that got her through the worst of it. For the first time in her life, Natasha wanted to be better for someone other than herself. There were times when she felt herself slipping back into the darkness. The only difference was this time she clung to the promise that she made. She started to realize that maybe her fucked up happiness didn't have to be so fucked up after all. 

Natasha was happy to be leaving her therapy session. It wasn’t that bad, and she liked her therapist. She was smart, probably one of the best in the country, but opening up to her wasn't always easy for Natasha. Steve would always remind her that this would take time. This was not something you could just fix overnight. He was always reminding her to be patient. Unfortunately Natasha was not the most patient person, but she was trying. Slowly but surely progress was being made, and things were getting better.

On her way to the garage floor the elevator opened and of course, it was Clint. He just grins and joins her for the ride down. 

“Headed back to the tower?” she asks.

“Yep, unless there’s anymore dead bodies you need me to get rid of?” 

“Fuck off, Barton!” she says punching him in the shoulder. 

“Ouch! What was that for?” 

She laughs and says, “No reason, just felt like it.”

When he meets her eyes she sees the shift from playful to concern. “You doing okay?”

“Not a hundred percent, but I will be,” she says honestly. 

He smiles and says, “Just the fact that you said that to me instead of your usual smart ass reply followed by your ‘fuck you’ glare is a small miracle. You should have hooked up with Captain America sooner, Nat!” 

Now glaring she says. “Keep talking, Hawkeye. I know where you live.” 

Smirking, he says, “And she's back! Seriously though…don't hit me for saying this, but I'm proud of you.”

Nat takes a deep breath. “Thanks, Clint…for everything…”

“Anytime, Nat.” He winks, and they walk out of the elevator together. 

After a long day Natasha is finally able to take a hot bath and relax. Steve is supposed to be there soon with Chinese food. They've been together a couple months and they spend any downtime they can together. They've gone out on an actual date a few times, but considering who they are, it's hard for them not to get noticed. 

While she was soaking in the bathtub Nat’s thought turn to Steve. In the beginning she was so scared of loving him. She thought it would make her week or vulnerable. What she realized was love didn't have to be a weakness. It could be a strength. Steve told her that they were in this together and she believed him. Because he was by her side through this, it was okay for her to have a week moment because he’s there to get her through it. A few weeks back she woke up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare. She had just returned from a tough mission, and it took a lot out of her. She dreamt she was back in the club again, but only this time she wasn’t able to get away from the man. She had no say over what had happened to her. It was such a terrible feeling that it took her right back to that dark place she feared, that place where she had no control. She remembers that night well. 

Flashback:

Natasha woke up in a cold sweat with tears streaming down her face. She takes a few deep breaths, and tried to go back to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes she was back in that club, helpless. She was exhausted, she was frustrated, and nothing she did helped her get back to sleep. Before she even realized what she was doing she found herself in her bathroom looking for a way to relieve the pain. 

Just as she was about to make a cut across her thigh, she stopped. She fought against the voice in her head telling her to take back control she feared she lost. One thing stopped her. The promise she made to Steve. She could do it she thought. She could go through with it and hide it from him, from everyone, but she wanted better for herself. Determined to have control over her fears, she made a different choice, a better choice. Putting down the razor, she grabbed her phone and sent Steve a text message that said “Red.” It was Steve’s idea that if she ever got to a place where she was thinking of hurting herself she would text him instead, anytime…day or night. About a minute after she sent the text, he was there. 

“Nat? Baby, I’m here. Talk to me. What happened?”

She really couldn't answer him. All she could do was let him hold her as she fought the battle in her head.

Realizing she called him instead of hurting herself, Steve was relieved. “I’m so proud of you, love. We’re going to beat this, I promise.” he whispered, wiping away her tears.

He held her until she fell asleep with him holding her on the bathroom floor. The next morning she woke up in his arms, in her bed. She realized he must've moved them in there shortly after she fell asleep. It was the best sleep she'd had in years and she knew it was because of him. Ever since that night, if they were both home, they would fall asleep together. 

End flashback. 

Finished with her bath, Nat drains the water and reaches for her towel as she steps out of the tub. Her thoughts still focused on Steve, only this time she can't help but think of how much she wants him. After what she's gone through, she was afraid she wouldn't have these feelings again, but of course she did. A lot. They still haven't gone all the way, but she wants to. They've fooled around enough lately for her to know he wants it, too. Last night, things got really heated before he slowed things down. She tried not to take that personal, reminding herself not only what she went through, but keeping in mind Steve is different than most men. They have never talked about going all the way, but she was hoping that maybe tonight she can change that.

With that in mind she changes into a pair of her more revealing pajamas, a black camisole tank top with red cotton sleep shorts that show a lot of skin. She pulls her red hair up into a messy bun and turns to walk out of her room into the kitchen. She standing by the counter going through her mail when she hears a small knock at the door, followed by the sound of Steve entering her apartment. 

“Nat?”

“In here.”

He turns the corner and sets their dinner on the counter. He looks up and she can see his eyes widen when he takes her in. Smiling to herself, she walks towards him pulling him towards her for a quick kiss. She then walks to the fridge to grab a bottle of water for herself. When she turns her head back to ask if he wants water also, she sees him swallow hard and pull his eyes away from her legs to her eyes. His only response is a head nod, then he quickly focuses on pulling out their dinner. Yeah, she definitely getting her mojo back, and it feels amazing.

At dinner they make small talk. She catches him more than once checking her out when he thinks she's not looking. Knowing exactly what she was doing to him she takes their finished plates from the table to the kitchen sink. After she rinses their plates, she feels him behind her. He kisses the soft skin on her neck knowing how much she loves being kissed there.

“Are you trying to drive me crazy?”

“Yep. Is it working?”

He doesn't answer her. He just turns her around and kisses her with so much passion it makes her dizzy with desire. Grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, never breaking the kiss, she drags him to the couch. She has him sit before climbing onto his lap, straddling him. He pulls away from the kiss, and looks her in the eyes.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, will it hurt you? Are you okay after what happened?”

"I'm fine Steve, I promise. I want this, more than anything!" she said and kisses him again.

Steve wraps his arms around her waist and loses himself in the kiss. She moves her hips forward, grinding down onto his lap. He places his hands on her hips, and she starts moving back and forth slowly, driving them both crazy. When she starts moving faster, he groans loudly and quickly shifts their positions, laying her down on the couch, his body on top of hers. She wraps her legs around his waist and starts pulling up his shirt, which he quickly takes off and tosses on the floor. He helps her remove her tank top and his eyes darken at the sight of her. 

“God you're beautiful. Can I touch you? Please?”

She chuckles.“I want you to, more than anything.”

When his hand touches her breast, goosebumps erupt all over her skin. His mouth moves down until closing over her other breast. She inhales sharply and lets out a loud moan. She threaded her fingers into his hair, keeping his head against her breast, letting him know she wants him to keep doing it. He sucks hard on her nipple while his fingers play with the other one, and she cries out in pleasure. 

“Oh God, that feels so good. I thought you were a virgin.”

He laughs. “I am, but that doesn't mean I don't know a thing or two. Plus, I've thought about this a lot.”

“Yeah?”

“You have no idea!”

She kisses him slowly and whispers against this ear. “Then show me, soldier. Take me to bed, and make love to me.”

“Yes ma'am,” he says lifting her off the couch and carrying her to bed. 

After gently placing her on the bed, he takes off the rest of his clothes except his boxers and covers her body with his. 

“Are you still good?”

“Yes, I trust you more than anything. You're in control.”

“I love you. Thank you for trusting me.”

Too emotional to respond, she shakes her head in agreement and kisses him with everything her heart has to offer.

Breaking the spell, Steve trails kisses down her body until he kisses over her lace underwear, which makes her jump a bit. He looks up at her, and she's panting, her eyes glued on him. She's never felt like this before. He kneels on the bed and removes the black lace slowly. 

"You're so beautiful, Natalia," he breathes, making her heart clinch hearing him use her Russian name. She bites her lower lip and closes her eyes when she feels his thumb touching her bundle of nerves, circling slowing. She moves her hips against his hand keeping the same rhythm. She was already moaning when he decides to replace his thumb with his tongue, making her gasp.

"Oh, god...Steve. Steve, wait…baby, stop!”

He kisses his way back up her body. “Why'd you stop me?”

“I want you inside me. Please.”

Steve takes a shaky breath and kisses her, rocking his hips against hers, and the friction of him against her, with only his boxers between them, nearly sends her over the edge. Her hands trail down his back until reaching his boxers. She starts tugging on them. He gets the message and takes them off quickly before placing himself between her legs again. Nat closes her eyes and takes a breath as she feels him at her entrance. 

“Wait. Should we use something?”

“We don't have to, unless you want to.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

He kisses her again, entering her slowly, carefully. Not a patient person, she rose her hips to meet his, and the next second he is completely inside her.

"Oh my God, Nat. You feel so good. Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, perfect.” she breaths, smiling. "Don't stop."

He grins and starts thrusting into her, slowly at first, but as soon as she starts meeting his thrusts halfway, he loses himself more his desire take over.

The harder and deeper he moves, the louder they both moan. Nat tilts her head back as she grabs the bed sheets, completely wrapped up in the moment. It doesn't take long for her to arch her back in pleasure as she reaches her climax, gasping. Just a few seconds later, Steve is right there with her. 

“I love you, Nat.”

“Love you too.”

Natasha fell asleep a few minutes later. She wasn't sure what the future would bring, but for once she knew she wouldn't have to face it alone. She couldn't control the future, and for once she was okay with that. Whatever happened, they would face it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> If you or someone you know needs help with self harm, please follow the link I'm putting below. 
> 
> https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-injury/self-injury-help-self-mutilation-help-and-support/


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